Is it love or drama?
So, right now we are going through Gate 29 The Gate of Perseverance.. And I felt compelled to share something ABOUT THIS ENERGY.
Often when things are hard in a relationship, we white knuckle through it. And that is a good thing… unless it isn’t. There is a difference between perseverance, determination, the capacity to meet challenges and… wounding that we dismiss in the name of commitment.
If your relationship swings between intensity and silence, passion and distance, again and again… it may not be love as much as a familiar pattern that your nervous system has grown to equate with love. There’s even a name for it. It’s called trauma bonding.
It isn’t the same thing as “shared” trauma bonding where two people connect over a shared tragic event.
This is a pattern of deregulation and confusion.
It’s the nervous system clinging to what feels familiar — even when it hurts.
Trauma Bonding isn’t abstract. It’s lived. It shows up in patterns you normalize because they’ve been with you for so long.
What it looks like:
The fight that ends in passionate “make up” sex, or declarations of undying love.
The silence that leaves you angry, frantic or confused until he finally throws you a breadcrumb of attention.
The relief of connection that feels more like adrenaline than safety.
How it shows up:
You chase with offers of love, service or kindness, he withdraws anyway.
You tiptoe around moods, he explodes anyway.
You carry the weight, he checks out.
You apologize to keep the peace, even if you still aren’t sure what happened — but know it will not be discussed again without greater fallout.
How it feels:
Pretending it’s normal — telling yourself “every relationship is hard” to excuse the chaos.
Confusing, unsettling, disrespectful, cold, distant, disconnected.
Seeing instability as passion and calling it love.
Relationships take work — from both parties. It’s a give and take. It is never perfectly balanced or equal, but both people show up with willingness to share the weight.
Otherwise…
It’s the wound running the show.
Each Human Design energy type has a specific place where this wound takes hold and hooks in. A weakness tied to their greatest gift.
So how do you know “what’s normal”?
Normal challenges resolve. Both people take responsibility. Repair happens. Safety grows.
In trauma bonds, the cycle doesn’t end. You fight the same fights. You feel crazy. You explain away what you’d tell your daughter or your best friend to walk away from.
It took me 29 years to name the problem. Until you know, it’s like being anesthetized for surgery — one minute you’re wide awake counting backwards, and the next you wake up and you aren’t the same. You’re told “it’s all better now,” so when something still hurts, you believe it’s you.
You believe you’re the problem.
You believe what you want is too much.
Or what you give isn’t enough.
That’s the hook.
The loss of self-trust.
If this sounds too familiar - join us in the Alchemy Room. It’s a free community designed to support one million women in a Love Solution Revolution… where you understand what love feels like. Here’s the link: