The Goodbye I Never Said

I turned the radio up and sang as loudly as I could.

But it didn’t change the heaviness in my heart.

I still had three hours of driving left to reach my dad.

Mom had been gone for seven years, and now Dad was in hospice care.

At 55, I thought I should be ready for this, except who can be ready to lose someone they love?

That imaginary pressure I had adopted to "adult"  would become real…

I didn’t want to be the last one left standing.

Dad's failing health had created a closeness I’d dreamed of since childhood. I cherished that connection.

Past hurts faded with each mile.

Only now mattered, as limited and fragile as the time was...

What I wasn’t acknowledging — or even conscious of — was everything simmering underneath.

I thought I was managing. 

Life had piled on — surgery, deadlines, heartbreak — but I was still telling myself I could juggle it all.

Meanwhile — I was hiding something from dad too. I was leaving soon. Paris. In less than two months I would be far away for a long time. 

A year planning and packing. But I hadn’t shared a bit of it with him.  Sure, I’d posted it all over social media. It was a dream I’d worked hard to make happen.

But, I wasn’t sharing that excitement with anyone who might feel sad about me going – those who mattered most.

I was too busy doing what I’d always done — orchestrating.

I thought I was running toward something.

In truth, I was running headfirst into something — myself. I just didn’t know it yet.

One of God’s mercies is hiding the future from us.

If I had “seen” what was coming on that drive, I might not have gone.

After three weeks of “doing” everything in my power to keep all the balls in the air, I left. I left my dad’s side.

All those dismissed, unfelt emotions pushed me over the edge.

I knew as I was leaving that he would die, and I wouldn't be there.

I couldn’t even say goodbye because I couldn't bear him asking me to stay - or worse, telling me it was okay that I left. 

I had become the only one he allowed to give him his medications.

I had become his confidant, his confessor — and finally, finally felt what he had said but I never allowed in – I was important to him.

So, I snuck out, head down, in shame.

Depleted.

And terrified — of failing.

Failing him.

Failing the world and everyone I loved.

Failing my dog even.

I thought I could do it all.

No. I BELIEVED it.

I believed the lie that had shaped my life:  I could do it all — all alone.

I was wrong.

Fast Forward nine years.

When everyone asked me “why” I went to Paris and how I did it, I compartmentalized, focusing on the highlights.

Until now I’d never shared the WHOLE STORY

Or the regret of wishing I could just wind the clock back.

I can't, of course.

None of us can.

So, what do we do with those leftover feelings that poke us when we claim to be “great?”

I became an expert at pushing them down. What about you?

Have you ever said to someone, “I just can’t go there?” I have.

But  “there” is where healing happens.

The “there” isn’t about confession or seeking forgiveness – from other people. We don’t have to say anything out loud.  -the “there” is about acknowledging what’s hurting with ourselves.

For me, it was asking the question

What is it I need to forgive myself for, so badly, that I need to suffer to earn redemption?

Because the black and white of it is this –

No matter what I “know” intellectually, what I feel is always running the show. 

None of us want to go to the shadow places, the underbelly. We spend most of our lives avoiding it. 

And that is what keeps us from living. It is the soul calling us to stop the busyness and focus on what matters.

See I couldn’t reconcile my celebration and leaving people I loved, no, more than loved, needed, lived for, in their darkest hour of need. 

Not even the lights of the Eiffel Tower can penetrate some shadows.

Only we can do that by unburdening and healing the things that we hide.

We can’t move into what we long for until we know what is holding us back. 

Until we understand what is unconsciously driving us, we stay stuck, we settle or put on something shiny and new to cover what we feel is ugly inside - what we fear. 

But we all begin in the same place, at the core, allowing God to break our hearts wide open to let the light in.

To see what we can’t see, we need new eyes, a new way of looking at ourselves, new tools. 

Human Design has shed light on my specific shadows, tender places, sharp edges and offered ways to walk through them, more than any other tool I’ve used in the ten + years I’ve been doing this work. 

It has supported the self awareness that leads me back to God with the truth: 

I’ve never been alone. 

I am flawed, messy, perfectly imperfect. 

When I can own that and ask God’s forgiveness, I release the weight of burdens too heavy for me to carry. I step into the light. I love with new zeal. I judge less, fear less. I become bolder knowing that I will make mistakes, accepting that I will fail others, even in my finest moments.

It is an empowerment built on grace not rules.

I’m inviting you to do that too, to look with new eyes.

Take the free Human Design assessment tool here.

And then email me to let me know you did and I’ll send you my $27 Human Design report personalized with your information, for free. My gift to you.

And we’ll meet in the light.