THE BLUES, THE LONGING, AND THE POWER OF KNOWING WHO YOU ARE

I’ve always had a penchant for blues music. Growing up, I’d fall asleep to my mom’s Billie Holiday albums. As I got older, I discovered my own heroines singing of emotions I could feel but couldn’t articulate.

Janis Joplin had that gift. Her raw, guttural pain—laid out for everyone to witness—could reach deep into me, unraveling feelings “people” told me I was too young to understand.

I’ll never forget the day I laid my first Janis Joplin album on the counter and pulled out the money to pay for it. I had a secret crush on the cashier. Much older than my 13 years, he had a Grizzly Adams beard and penetrating blue eyes. When he saw the album, those eyes came up and stared straight into mine, then quickly scanned the area. Seeing my mom next to me, he nodded an approving yes and added, “Great music choice.”

“That’s not mine,” she said, “it’s hers,” pointing back at me. I blushed.

“You’re a little young for this, aren’t you?” He asked with a smile, but his eyes still held mine. I felt seen, for the first time, almost naked, that my longing had been recognized.

Strange, the things we remember. Stranger still, the stories we weave around those memories.

Longing to be seen, feeling misunderstood, invisible—are all perfectly normal things for the drama of teenage angst. Being a Manifestor that drama was amplified because my energetic aura is to “INITIATE,” to go first… not ask permission, hide, or seek approval. But as kids, approval is what we want the most. “Watch me, See what I did….” So, when you are conditioned to be a certain way to have those needs met, it’s a bear “undoing” those childhood patterns, or deconditioning  as we explain it in Human Design.

This is not true just for Manifestors; each of us carries wounding (conditioning) from trying to be someone or something to have someone or something we desperately want.

So where do those emotions go?

What happens when that conditioning follows you into adulthood, and you don’t feel loved for “who” you are, as much as for “what” you can do?

It doesn’t go away just because we don’t share it. It grows into a dissatisfaction with life that we can’t name and feel guilty for even feeling.

But, what if you discovered that all of this could be explained? What if you could understand it, and finally give yourself permission to feel what you feel without attaching meaning to it?

That’s what I discovered through the lens of Human Design. I began to see how much of that angst is tied to my Human Design.

I’ve learned that longing is always going to be there. I’ve learned that others will always see in me what they want to see regardless of what I do, or who I am. We hear this all the time.

We  understand, intellectually, that we can’t “please” everyone. We are told repeatedly that we might as well enjoy life and be ourselves, not “care” what others think of us. Yeah, great advice. I agree. 

And…

How’s that working out for you so far? See, that’s the problem. We “know” something. We can even see it in other people. How many times have you watched a friend or loved one change when they got into a relationship that “required” them to modify who they are, be it love, work, or a friendship?

And don’t even get me started on politicians. How often have you seen a politician lose an election and come back later, having switched parties, or modify their platform to get votes. LOL.

We just don’t see it in ourselves. We don’t see the small, daily, subtle ways we shift who we are to be accepted. Once I understood my energy, however, the lights came on. It wasn’t a matter of “not caring” what others think. It became more of being at peace with who I was and what I could or couldn’t do, or rather what price I was willing to pay to be in a relationship with someone or something. 

It allowed me to stop creating painful stories and even love people who didn’t love me back. No, I’m not Jesus, Gandhi or Mother Teresa. Far from it.

I just learned how to let go of what others needed or expected me to be and enjoy the many facets of my dichotomic self, without apology. I started “Letting Them”… long before the brilliant Mel Robbins told us we should.

Unfulfilled longings, invisible needs, and the quiet search for meaning often get buried beneath responsibility, roles, and the hope that someone, someday, will finally get us.

But no one told us growing up:

The relationship you’re really craving…

is the one with yourself.

That’s what we explore inside The Alchemy Room.

Human Design reveals your unconscious drivers, your energetic makeup…

And stops there. 

You fill in the rest -  the beliefs, coping patterns, and inner stories? 

Only you can name those.

So, this isn’t about my method, or some shiny toolkit.

It’s not about what worked for me.

It’s about what’s trying to emerge through you—and giving it space.

There is no formula for success - or love.

Because this isn’t about mechanics.

It’s about remembering who you were before the world told you who to be.

It’s about reclaiming your magic.

And yes—deconditioning your self-judgment along the way.

You may finally understand why you’ve always felt like too much,

Or not enough.

Why you’ve stayed on autopilot for years.

And why peace has felt just out of reach.

Any longing you carry is a clue.

Not a flaw.

Funny thing I learned on the way here — me being me changed others, changed everything.

I still love listening to Billie Holiday and Janis Joplin. I still sing to the top of my lungs as tears run down my face. And yes, sometimes I even find myself in that familiar place of longing, wanting to be held, loved without saying a word.

But now, I smile, appreciating who I am. I step into her, with all the emotion those women sang about, because that is me, and I am thrilled with anyone who sees it and appreciates it. And non-plussed by those who don’t.

So — If something stirred in you while reading this—don’t ignore it.

That ache isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom.

The Alchemy Room opens soon.

We begin by unraveling the longing.