Want an “Outlander” Kind of Love? I Do… !
Hey Beautiful,
What’s Your Story About Love?
We all have one.
I stopped watching Nicholas Sparks movies a long time ago. And then I became hopelessly lost in “Outlander.” Watching the kind of love we all secretly (or not-so-secretly) crave— you know, the kind that melts time, softens edges, and makes your soul feel like it's finally home. It isn’t just a fantasy.
Not living in a stone castle, however, I’m not waiting on Jamie to come crashing through in his kilt and literally offer to sacrifice himself for me. Of course, I’m not being held at knife point either, but that’s besides the point.
Because…
Brace yourself - this may shock you - that is the kind of hero most men crave being. And there are still “Jamies” around.
We are just looking in yes, all the wrong places. We want it to exist outside of us.
But have you ever noticed that all those “to die for” fantasies begin with friction? It seems like some otherworldly attraction we can’t explain - pheromones, an energetic pull, whatever you choose to call it. It’s really a simple dance of “will you,” “can you,” two people, wanting to know do I “have” to give up myself to be loved by you?”
Notice men do it too. They want love as much as we do. Heck, before women were allowed to write…LOL… all the poetry came from men. So don’t think they don’t want the same thing you do.
But girls, when we forget that we have the power to say no, we upset the apple cart. In the beginning we might. In the beginning, even if we find “him” attractive, we might test, hang back, be coy, or like Claire, pretend we don’t notice at all. This is phase one: We set the stage for him to prove to us who he is.
And, if he’s noticed us and he’s interested - and - we hang back and don’t change - he will do just that.
The breakdown occurs when we shift into self doubt.
One of my favorite lines from the Outlander series is before Claire and Jamie “get together” when she is chastised by Murdoch (Jamie’s godfather and sworn protector) who tells Claire that “Jamie needs a woman, not a girl.”
And that kind of love we crave, dear one, don’t kid yourself, requires us to be a woman. Women learn how to step into **self trust** even if we don’t do it perfectly.
Like Claire.
She isn’t JUST beautiful. She’s accomplished and defiant. She is all the “things” we want to be. Or I do anyway.
She trusts herself. She pursues what she feels she “has” to do for her, not for anyone else. She leaves Frank to go to the front as a war nurse. She defies the rules of being a wife at that time and even again, when she goes back hundreds of years where women were basically chatel. The restrictions, opinions and advice of others she pays little mind to. She seems to know that a dance only lasts as long as the music is playing. She wants to keep dancing.
So, as much as it might not be pleasant to hear, we get to be women, not girls. Not “doing” to “prove” our worth. Or making it about him or our relationship if / when we aren’t feeling what we want to feel. Love isn’t solely about receiving. It is about openness to receiving, definitely. But that flame that burns inside us, is about growing, stretching, discovering yourself, and becoming the person you never knew you could be.
It’s about BEING.
We get to “BE.”
Honest. Brave. Wrong sometimes. And own it all.
Claire knew - a woman knows that once the initial excitement wears off - my friend used to call it the “pink cloud effect” - there you are, two people wanting to be held, even when you are grumpy, sick, “failing”... even when you don’t even like each other… that takes courage to ask for, not hint it at, the way a girl might.
And then. It takes confidence to…
Not make it about us - not create a personal story about our worth or his love - if he can’t give us what we ask for in the moment we ask.
Women know their value. And if they understood and believed that their “man” wants to be their hero, rejection stories wouldn’t exist.
Because in the end it’s …
Not chemistry. Not the perfect profile. Not “manifesting” a soulmate.
It is simply showing up humanly messy and trusting that you are worthy of being loved. Sadly, most of us stink at this. We may talk a big game, but often we are hiding our vulnerable parts.
Self trust is like having a secret genie in a bottle—YOU. You are the genie, finally owning your desires and embracing all that you are. And knowing if you aren’t feeling loved, or aren’t being loved - you can courageously and compassionately search your heart and feel the emotions that arise. And then figure out where you want to go.
If you aren’t sure what that looks like in “real time”...
Take this quick survey to measure your Self Trust Meter:
Do you second-guess yourself constantly?
Overthink everything until your brain is mush?
Default to other people’s opinions—because they “seem more sure”?
Downplay your own beauty, brilliance, or sensitivity?
Try to control the outcome by focusing on “how” to say something?
Try to read his mind, rather than just asking?
Tiptoe around?
Hint at what you want rather than say it directly and clearly?
Say nothing when asked what’s bothering you?
Believe “he” should be able to read your mind?
Substitute acts of service for vulnerability?
Say yes, when you want to say no, and then resent it?
Secretly believe *that kind* of **love** is for someone else?
If so, welcome to the human race. You aren’t broken. You are just feeling fragile. And that’s okay.
You’ve been worn down. All that cape wearing bravado from childhood about who you were going to be when you grew up didn’t play out the way you imagined. Maybe you even settled. Maybe you’ve been so beaten up in the process of becoming an “adult you aren’t sure what your dreams are anymore.
Here’s the good news, however. If you had it once, it’s still there. You just need a little support excavating it.
And this is why you want to start excavating A.S.A.P
Learning to trust yourself doesn’t apply singularly to intimate relationships — it bleeds into everything — your boundaries at work, your desires, career choices, personal choices, and the way you show up in life.
Girlfriend - know this - You are:
Free to fail - yes, because absolutely no one is perfect (Not Claire, not even Jamie - although he’s close - LOL) Self trust doesn’t mean always getting it right.
Brave
Look how far you’ve come and what you’ve done. You kept going.
Living into what you want going forward is simply about embracing truth:
You'll screw up sometimes— love yourself anyway.
Heartbreak is a possibility - say yes to love anyway.
No matter what happens, you CAN find a way to navigate it, with support
You AREN’T HERE TO FIX anyone else or make them happy (or sad, or miserable—sure, you can be a class A bitch… But they still get to choose how they feel - let them)
You, and you alone my dear make choices for you—no matter what the circumstances—that ownership is non negotiable. Play the ball from where it is, not where you wish it were.
You can never be loved for who you are, if she doesn’t show up as who she is
You want intimacy? Look in the mirror.
Emotional awareness, honesty, and self-respect are what make relationships magnetic and enduring.
Know yourself.
Love you first—we are all wounded, frightened children wanting to be held.
Here are Simple (But Not Always Easy) Steps to Build Self Trust:
Give yourself space to feel. No stuffing. No minimizing. No shame.
Get curious about your inner critic. Is what she’s saying even true?
Make self-care non-negotiable. Calendar it. Keep the promise.
Choose your advice sources wisely. Not everyone gets a seat at your table.
Notice when you're catastrophizing future outcomes—and then pause.
Ditch the habits that teach people to treat you small. Self-deprecation is not cute. It’s girlish conditioning. You aren’t a girl. You are a woman.
Ready to Start?
Open the door. Begin in The Alchemy Room.
Learn about real love and how to build it.