When It’s a Pattern — Not Passion
It felt like passion.
But it was adrenaline.
You thought it was chemistry.
But it was chaos in lipstick.
Trauma in a red dress.
It looked like desire… but it was your nervous system reenacting survival.
And somewhere, on some level, you knew.
You had thoughts like:
This is too good to be true…
He’s too good to be true…
I’ll never find anyone like him again…
You get the drift. On paper he checks off almost every box… almost. He’s attentive, flattering, affectionate, bordering slightly on possessive. But it feels good. It feels like protection. So you dismiss thoughts, questions, and tell yourself, “It will all be okay. You’ve got this. You’re smart enough to step around the pitfalls. I mean, we all have challenges, right? None of us are perfect.”
That’s how the story begins.
And then one day something throws you for a loop. He blows up and blames you, and it catches you so off guard you aren’t sure how to respond.
Depending on your chart — your energy type, your wounding, your conditioning — you may react in one of several ways.
All of them rooted in the hope of putting things back on track.
But here’s the thing — when you pick up the entire relationship, assume responsibility for its well-being, you are unconsciously agreeing with him that it is your job to keep things running smoothly. And if that worked, it would be great.
Sadly, it doesn’t.
Now, we all have bad days… and unfortunately, we all have a tendency to take the frustrations of a bad day out on those closest to us. We all become victims of our thoughts and feelings. This is humanity.
What differentiates “normal” relationship challenges from unhealthy patterns is if — once things are back on “track” — there is no coming together, no sharing of responsibility, no acceptance of ownership, no room for seeing life differently.
If these things become a pattern that is never resolved, never addressed, what you are experiencing is an ideal of a relationship, not a real relationship. If it goes on long enough, it opens old wounding patterns and eventually makes you physically ill.
TRAUMA BONDING IN RELATIONSHIPS can often feel like love because it mimics the emotional highs and lows you’ve normalized over time.
Self-awareness is the medicine that brings you back to health.
Human Design is a tool that supports you to take those steps — not by analyzing the story, but by asking:
What do you really feel? Not what do you think — feel?
Is this safe, or just familiar?
Are you lit up — or addicted to the flame?
We Are Driven by Emotion (Yes, all of us)
Stanford researchers recently confirmed what many of us already know:
Emotion — not logic — is the primary driver of human behavior.
We buy, say yes, stay too long, lash out, fall in love, and self-abandon… not because it makes sense, but because it feels right in the moment.
So what happens when what feels “right” is actually just familiar — not safe, not healthy, not sustainable?
This is how we often mistake MISTAKING CHAOS FOR CHEMISTRY
Patterns for passion.
Control for connection.
Until eventually… we make pain our partner.
What Trauma Bonding Looks Like (In Real Life)
I wrote a blog last month outlining what this looks like, how it feels, and how it shows up. You can read that here: “Is it Love or Drama?”
Today what I want to gift you with — is the difference between passion and pattern.
Passion Isn’t the Problem. Pattern Is.
Passion isn’t chaotic.
It’s not manipulative.
It doesn’t leave you spiraling alone in internal dialogue, wondering if you said something wrong, or were “too much” or “not enough” of something.
But if your nervous system was wired for survival — if you grew up in an alcoholic home, for example — it can’t tell the difference at first.
You feel alive around people who hurt you — because hurt is what feels like home.
Love isn’t supposed to feel threatening.
Human Design Helps You See the Pattern
You don’t need more advice. You need a mirror.
Here’s what it can support you to understand:
Undefined Solar Plexus? You amplify others’ emotions. You mistake intensity for intimacy. You avoid conflict like the plague.
Undefined G Center? You become who they need. You forget who you are.
Gate 30? You crave passion so much, you’ll settle for pain if it moves you.
Channel 59/6? You want deep intimacy, but without boundaries, it pulls you into fusion or conflict.
Open Heart? You overgive to prove you’re worthy. You lose yourself trying to earn love.
These are not flaws. Understanding your gifts keeps them from becoming your Achilles’ heel.
HUMAN DESIGN AND EMOTIONAL PATTERNS go hand in hand.
It doesn’t shame the pattern — it shines a light on areas that have been in the dark.
So you have the ability to choose how you want to feel, how you want to respond, how you want to experience or create connection. It allows you to make new choices.
A Small But Powerful Shift
The next time your heart races…
Ask yourself:
“Am I excited — or am I bracing?”
“Is this passion — or is this survival in disguise?”
“Do I feel grounded… or just not in trouble right now?”
If you’re not sure — that’s okay.
You weren’t taught to listen to your body.
You were taught to be rational; to ignore the very thing that shows you a new way — your emotions.
But you can relearn it.
You can begin HEALING RELATIONSHIP SURVIVAL PATTERNS one clear choice at a time.
This Is the Work We Do in The Alchemy Room
In The Alchemy Room, we use Human Design, emotional awareness, and trauma-informed tools to support you to:
Recognize your true desires (not extreme reactions or survival behavior you learned as a child)
Break trauma patterns without burning your life down
Rebuild self-trust and move toward safe, steady passion
Finally understand the difference between chaos and “chemistry”
End the cycle of SELF ABANDONMENT IN LOVE
You don’t need to earn love.