THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF BETRAYAL DISGUISED AS VIRTUE

Ten years ago, I left for Paris for nine months. I stayed for over nine years. Being a Splenic Manifestor, when people asked me why I moved to Paris, my response was, “why not?”

I’ve learned that I have a high element of risk-taking. I believe anything is possible. I am also high in agreeableness, deeply empathic, and sensitive to energy. So when I fell in love, staying in France was the most natural thing to do. My mind argued me into believing I could make anything work - even a bi-continental life.

And I have — in so many ways. Just like a fairytale.

Magical adventures in far-off lands, experiences, and a life many people only dream about. I feel incredibly grateful for every minute of it. I grew culturally, emotionally, mentally - in more ways than I ever believed possible.

I also learned how deeply the patterns to silence my instincts, or shush my intuition ran. It took me headfirst into things I was sure I already knew, had healed and even moved past. 

That is what relationships do. They aren’t designed to complete you or meet your every need. They mirror things you don’t like. They stretch you. They test you. And the more challenging they are, the bigger the stretch until it can feel as if every nerve has been brought to the surface, old pain points reopened. Or sometimes just a slow, silent suffocation of the dreams you once imagined. 

Pain brings lessons home in ways we don’t forget. The trick is not to confuse the pain with love. 

Healthy relationships can hold you. They can offer the security that fosters growth. That doesn’t mean growth is always easy or fun. Even the best relationships aren’t nonstop daisies and unbridled passion.

There is a difference however, between the two. That’s what I want to support you to see.

If you’ve ever had your heart broken, if it’s breaking right now, or you’ve sworn off love, convinced it isn’t for you — this is what you most need to know: no place or person holds what you want most. Because they can’t.

Truth #1

“Finding Mr. Right”  is not the answer — despite all the “do this, find your soulmate, and be happy forever” messages out there.

Being in a relationship doesn’t prevent loneliness. It isn’t the solution to filling any part of what is missing in your life. It can’t substitute for anything you feel you lack now.

Unhealed relationship patterns will just keep circling back. If you feel lonely now, chances are you will feel lonely in a relationship.  If you don’t like yourself or your life now - a relationship won’t fix that.

All the “things” you dread or fear can - and will - show up in different situations —  yes, even with a new partner. Not to punish you, but to support you in embracing how amazingly beautiful and worthy of love you are. To stop chasing something outside of yourself.

That only happens when you can fully accept who you are right now. Because we do not fundamentally change.

What changes is our perception. And that shift — in how we see and meet ourselves — impacts everyone and everything in your life.

Instead of attracting someone from our wounding, we attract a partner from our radiance. Or we heal ourselves inside our current relationship - the relationship shifts - or it doesn’t. Either way, we calmly, confidently know what the next best step is. Without guilt, fear, blame or dread. 

Truth #2

Intimate relationships are the most powerful reflection of what you believe about yourself.

What you’re willing to accept, put up with, excuse, or dismiss isn’t about them. Or being “nice,” committed, compassionate. It isn’t taking the moral high ground - it’s fear. 

Before you stone me, hear this: most of this runs beneath your awareness. You don’t realize it’s happening.

Understanding how you’re showing up, how you’re perceived, and how your energy works — the whole point of Human Design — helps you see the unconscious patterns and energy dynamics that guide you in love.

If that intrigues you, run your chart and start discovering.

You’ll begin to see things:

• Emotional wounding as a subconscious attraction point.

• Why you fall hard for emotionally unavailable men.
  Why you end up doing all the work — or excusing what you’d tell your best friend to leave.
  
  

And yes, there’s good news.

Once you see what’s happening, you release the self-judgment that keeps asking, “If I’m so smart, how did I get here?”

You get a tiny glimpse of your power. You’ve been pulling into your life the things you fear, dread, don’t want. Imagine what will shift when you are able to look at fear as a messenger rather than a predictor of your future? 

So, consider this an early Christmas gift: a six step look at how we unwittingly repeat what we don’t want — and how you can shift it with healthy relationship dynamics.

1.  Numbing Out 

Signs of that hopeless, stuck feeling:

You don’t ask why you’re crying. You just pour another glass of wine, clean the kitchen, or text your best friend something sarcastic.

You know something’s off, but you don’t want to really “know” know — because knowing means doing something about it.

What it looks like when shift into healthy self-esteem:

This statement becomes fact… “I can handle the truth of what I feel. I don’t need to explain it to anyone first. I don’t need validation.”

You name the ache. You admit you’re not okay. You track your own reactions without shaming yourself for having them.

You stop editing your awareness.

2. Reluctant Self Esteem

Looks like:

Convincing yourself that it’s kind to keep quiet. That it’s strong to put yourself last. 

Ignoring what you feel, or  need - and relabeling it grace (or compassion or kindness or forgiveness, or, or.)

Pretending you’re not disappointed, when in fact… really… you’re just just disappearing.

You being smaller - will never support him to be bigger.

Healthy self-esteem isn’t about being louder, angry or deserving. It doesn’t need to demand anything. It’s about knowing:

“If I’m abandoning myself to belong - I am not really a part of anything.”

It’s safe to show up in all your glorious messiness.

Your greatness isn’t a threat. It’s a gift.

3. Martyrdom 

Looks like:

Silent rage  - waiting to be noticed. Or, getting permission to leave.

Feeling trapped — and guilty for feeling trapped all at the same time.

Blaming the schedule, the kids, the vows, the fear. But mostly, blaming yourself for not being enough, making a “bad” choice… etc

Hint - Self deprecating humor is often a mask for martyrdom. I know. 

Healthy relationships allow you to feel ownership for what is truly yours:

Your life. Your choices

Your freedom. Your needs and wants

It is also the gift of sharing those things - and allowing him the gift of ownership of his life and choices - and sharing too. 

4. People-Pleasing 

Looks like:

Saying yes when you mean no.

Smiling during dinner while your stomach churns.

Rehearsing your truth 40 times in your head and saying none of it out loud.

Over-explaining is a form of protection. What would it feel like to say no - without flinching or explaining - without needing to be angry, or fearing the backlash?

Healthy love allows everyone’s “truth”:

Truth doesn’t stop being true for you, even if it makes someone else uncomfortable

Edges can be sharp - peace isn’t about smoothing over the rough spots for everyone.

Things unspoken don’t create connection, even in the moment.

5. Performance

Is all about:

Ticking off boxes that don’t belong to you.

A life that looks impressive on FB, and feels hollow in your body.

Busyness. Efficiency. Impressive. Exhausting..

Burned out And somehow… still unfulfilled.

Rest. Play. Creativity. Three of the truest ways to connect with anyone you care about…. Especially yourself. Do you make time for these things?

Dropping the performance in favor of boundaries looks like this and protects:

The best version of you.

A return to your own dreams — even if someone else didn’t get them.

Doing what is aligned - for you - not expected of you

6. From Compliance to Personal Integrity

What it looks like when you’re stuck:

You nod along with what you no longer believe.

You stay in a relationship that contradicts your values.

You rationalize and deceive yourself because the truth is too disruptive.

Last key point - The only NON negotiable in life is honesty with yourself. 

If you’re ready to try that - join the Alchemy Room Community. It’s free. Take a tour - download all the free stuff - watch the videos. 

And then - decide to invest in yourself - with me or anyone else you feel led to. Why? Because until you do - you are still pretending and playing at life - feeling one thing and acting out another. 

Loving you is the only way to allow someone else to love you. Consider this:

Allowing your choices and convictions to be seen, known, heard - what you live by.

Imagine what it would be like to stop pretending.

and… living with the kind of alignment that might break things — but also makes you whole.